A guy said, “I haven’t slept for days.” And the second guy said: “How come?” The first guy said, “I only sleep at night.” Ha-ha-ha. Some joke. I don’t see any other jokes. Probably I went only up to there. So the rest I have to check out. OK? It cannot be that all these are not good jokes. Good, good. Next time, next time. We put it here. OK. So we know we’ve been there. Done that. Alright. We’ll check out this one, if there’s anything nice. OK.
In New York, in Vermont, on the way to a wedding, a wife and husband realized they had forgotten their camera, so they stopped at a general store, hoping to purchase a cheap, disposable model. Sally asked the owner, “Do you have any of those throwaway cameras?” And the owner said, “Look, fella, I don’t care what you do with it after you buy it.” Capiche, huh? (Yes.)
I think we had this already, but maybe you didn’t hear it. It was the first day of school. As the principal did his patrols, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushed in and spotted one boy, bigger and taller than all the others, who seemed to be making the most noise. He seized the lad, dragged him into the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused. Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior. And he said, “Now, are there any questions?” One girl stood up shyly and said, “Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?” He's all new.
The pet shop customer couldn’t believe his good fortune. The parrot(-person) he had just bought could recite Shakespeare, imitate opera stars, and intone Homer’s epic poems in Greek, and he cost only $600. So once the man got the bird(-person) home, nevertheless, the bird(-person) never spoke anything at all. So after three weeks, the frustrated and disappointed customer returned to the shop and asked for his money back. So the owner of the shop said, “When we had this bird(-person), he could recite poetry and sing like an angel. Now you want me to take him back when he’s no longer himself? Well, alright, out of the goodness of my heart, I will give you $100 back.” So just then the customer could not do anything, so he took the money and got out of the shop. As soon as the door closed behind him, he heard the parrot(-person) saying, “Don’t forget half of the share!” My God, we thought cheating is only man’s business. Just a joke.
A man was sitting in a bar with tears streaming down his face. A friend walked in and asked why he was so unhappy. The weeping one said, “The doctor has just told me I would have to take these tablets for the rest of my life.” The friend cheerfully pointed out that many people have to take tablets every day of their life. So, the weeping man replied, “Sure, sure, but he only gave me ten.” Stupid. Normally, they give you ten, and when you come back, they give another ten. Just fun.
A man. Oh, it’s not a man, it’s a different one. At the entrance to a big office in London, there was a book which all employees had to sign when they arrived each morning. So, at 9 o’clock, the manager’s secretary, who lived in a small flat above the office, had to draw a red line under the last name in the book. And anyone who came after that had to explain why he was late. So, whenever there was a thick fog in the city, the first person who arrived late usually wrote: “Delayed by the fog.” So, under the red line in the book, “Delayed by the fog” because he’s late, to explain why he’s late because of the fog. Then everybody else who came after that just put “Ditto” underneath, same reason. But one foggy morning, the first man to arrive late wrote: “My wife had a baby early this morning.” So, he didn’t write “Delayed by the fog” as usual. He wrote “Because my wife had a baby early this morning,” under the red line. And 20 or 30 people who came after him put “Ditto” as usual.
I think I told you this story already, but we’ll say it again in case. One day, a diver when diving about 20 feet below sea level… The aquatic world, 20 feet (~ 6 meters) below sea level, he noticed a guy at the same depth as he was, but he had no scuba gear or anything on him, no oxygen mask, nothing. So the diver went down another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, and then the same guy joined him again. He was confused. So he took out a waterproof chalk and board set and wrote: “How are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?” The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had just written, and wrote: “I’m drowning, you idiot!” You guys are still OK? (Yes.) We have just a couple more.
A new student at the university in Boston, you know, as a new student, many of them were unfamiliar with the campus and consequently late for class. Unfamiliar, so they got lost and were late. So one professor, however, was particularly intolerant of tardiness, making it clear to everybody that no excuse would be accepted. So when a student stumbled into his class late one day, they expected the worst from the professor. Obviously very upset, the professor demanded the reason for the student’s tardiness. So the student replied nervously, “I was waiting in line to buy your new textbook.” Wow. So gazing out at the rest of the class, the professor asked, “Well, then why weren’t the rest of you late?” To buy his textbook, it’s OK. “Why were you not all late?” Like waiting to buy the textbook.
A home builder came home drunk and managed to park in the garage, but he injured himself when he knocked over some sample storm windows he had on a shelf. He got a few nicks on his face, so he rushed to the bathroom and did some first aid on himself. In the morning, going into the kitchen, his wife asked him, “You came home drunk last night, didn’t you?” “Heavens, no!” He answered, “I just injured myself on the job yesterday.” So, his wife said, “OK then, please explain the bandages all over the bathroom mirror.” Instead of applying them to himself, he put them on the mirror. My God, that was a surprise, huh?
Mr. Smith had never been up in an airplane before, and he had read a lot about air accidents. So, one day, when a friend wanted to take him for a ride in his own small airplane… pane, what is “pane,” like airplane, right? P-A-N-E? (No, spelling mistake.) (Typo.) Small plane. Typing error, my God, confusing a foreigner like me. …His own small plane. Mr. Smith was very worried about accepting it, but finally, however, he got persuaded that it is very safe, and Mr. Smith boarded the plane with his friend. His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport, and Mr. Smith had heard that the most dangerous part of the flight was the take-off and the landing. So, he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes. After a minute or two, he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, “Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants, don’t they?” So, his friend said, “Those are ants. We are still on the ground.” When you look from the plane, people look like ants, truly. But this guy… Good? OK.
The doctor told Johnson to exercise and suggested he walk to work. That would be good for him. So Johnson said that was boring. The doctor said, “OK, then do something while you talk. Roll a hula hoop along. It will keep you busy.” So the patient did as ordered. It means, do something while you walk, I think. It’s a typing failure again. My God. I would never hire this person for a secretary. The patient did as ordered. To avoid stares from co-workers, he left the hula hoop. What is a hula hoop? (You know that round thing. The hula hoop that you used to [move] around your waist. It’s a….) Oh, I see, I see. OK. Walking and circling and (Rolling.) circling at the same time. OK. So, he hid it, the hula hoop, in the employee parking lot instead of bringing it into the office. So, one day the parking attendant told… what’s the name of the guy? …Johnson that a car had damaged the hula hoop. So, he added, the car park attendant said, “Don’t worry, we will have a new one for you tomorrow.” Johnson said, “Tomorrow? How am I supposed to get home tonight?” Well, habits die hard, huh?
A Sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others happy. “Now, children,” she said, “Has any one of you ever made someone else glad?” You know, glad, happy. “Please, teacher,” said a small boy, “I made someone glad yesterday.” “Well done. Who was that?” “My grandma.” “Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandma glad.” “Teacher, I went to see her yesterday and stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, ‘Grandma, I’m going home,’ and she said, ‘Well, I’m glad.’” You finished?
Because I often have to catch a pre-dawn bus to get to my job. It’s written here, ‘to get to my jeep.’ Jeep. My job… I was concerned that I was always invisible to the bus driver in the darkness, so I attached a reflector to my lunch box and put on a jogger’s vest that was bright orange and had small flashing lights. The first morning, I wore my new gear. The bus zoomed past but then stopped. I ran to catch up with it, and as I boarded, I asked the driver, “Didn’t you see me?” The driver said: “I saw you, but I thought you were a road sign.” In the dark, you know.
Photo Caption: “A Bouquet of Love for the Compassionate Humans from Us All Nature, from Water and Land”
